Coping with Loss: The Importance of Community in Grief

This week has been filled with news of celebrities passing away, and as we returned from Lakeside we learned of the brother in law of Steve’s friend passing suddenly. Death is always that silent thought in the back of each of our lives. When we are young it is not thought of, and generally not something that comes up in families. I am learning how my parents gave me the exposure, and the coping skills to deal with death.

As a young child i remember going with my parents to funeral homes for the viewings, looking at the wall of floral arrangements, and watching the people come through with hugs, greetings, and sometimes tears. If a neighbor passed away it seemed there was a delegation of neighbors that collected money to give to the family. That process of going to and grieving with the family is how I learned to find closure to the passing of that person. My parents never sheltered me from it, but were careful to explain death in a way that we knew it would touch every life at some point in the far flung future.

And the funeral ceremony reminded us of the faith of that person, and the hope they had transitioned to heaven. While hearts were heavy, the grieving family found comfort, and assurance from those who came out to express their sympathy. And a meal together with the family offered the necessary closure and nourishment.

Fast forward to these days and it seems the cultural norms I have always know have gone out the window. The friend that just passed will not have a funeral. There is not a wake or viewing. Nothing. He was being cremated, and the family reports they are too rocked to deal with anything. Its their prerogative to choose how they handle his death, but it feels cold, and so far from offering the family hope, encouragement, courage.

The first time the idea of friends and family bringing words of encouragement became tangible was my father’s funeral. Dad had been retired for over a decade, and health had prevented him from being active in organizations and church. But they came…. friends he fought WWII with, old neighbors, old friends, current neighbors, church friends, old coworkers …. and it seemed they continued to come. They told me stories of my dad or memories of him. They spoke of his kindness and generosity, and of the many ways he was there to help and encourage them. I had no idea his influence was so big. I knew his passing had left a gaping hole in the heart of our family, but wow, it rippled grief through the entire community. And in the midst of the depth of grief our family was encouraged, bolstered by the community. Their presence was a comfort and closure.

Perhaps i am just old fashioned, but it seems that this friend’s family has chosen to not permit the community to join them in grief, or to encourage them with the memories of his life. Do you feel like that?