Can it be 33 years ago?

It was a very cold and snowy Friday night in December of 1992 that my mom was in the ICU in critical condition. After a lifetime of taking steroids for her Rheumatoid Arthritis no-one ever thought of the negative impact – muscle degeneration. And it was the big critical muscle – her heart that was falling apart and failing her. I remember being very anxious to get to the hospital, could not explain why but i knew her time was short. That evening when we got there i was told she is doing worse, and they had done everything they could but that fell short.

One thing i dont believe we are ever prepared for is that end of life, of those final moments on earth, of the helplessness of having to yield to God’s plan. I was an only kid, so my parents were my world, and with just my mom left on earth i was not looking to see mom go too.

But miracles happen, and my otherwise almost deaf mom could hear with perfect hearing even after the hospital lost her hearing aids…. and we had the opportunity to comfort each other, leaving nothing unresolved. And somewhere close to midnight my went home.

Grief is interesting… sometimes it feels like the big monster that is holding me to the mat, other times it comes and goes without warning. I think because the date falls out for the first time again on a friday, and the weather is the same bone chilling cold it has been top of mind how She was a hard working woman that loved well, was so resourceful, and taught me so much on how to live well.

And i have been thinking of everything that has happened since she passed on. Over three decades of life- the highs and the lows, there have been so many moments i just wanted to pick up the phone and hear her voice. And i miss the cheerleader she was, always encouraging and bringing out the best points in life.

And it has been over 3 decades of dancing with that unwanted visitor of Grief. But i have learned so much about Grief. It has been a reminder that there was deep love lost on this earth, yet one day in heaven i will see her free of the physical suffering that defined her. One day i will see and hear her free of the limits of an aging body, and i will be able to sit down and hug her again. And there have been so many triggers to invite grief back in – the smell of bread baking, or certain foods, or certain music.

But grief is something we all face. To love much is to know grief. And for me grief has morphed into a gift, a reminder of how one life can so deeply impact another, and how priveleged to have learned, loved and respected that person. So grief has taken on a new role of looking for ways to impact other people, to listen to their hurting, to love much, to accept and to share life even so temporarily.

so 33 years have passed. I still miss her so much.